Matt Wilkinson's Blog

A Moment of Udder Panic

Until this weekend just gone, the last time I took any time off work was (excluding Christmas) June last year for the Glastonbury festival! To say I needed a break was an understatement and it came in the form of a few days in the Cotswolds.

We walked, ate great food, drank some decent vino and did all the things you’d expect in the countryside including being chased by a herd of cows.

I find, being a born and bred city boy, that any trip to the countryside inevitably leads to you being pigeon-holed by locals (and animals) as just that. Like seeing a foreign tourist in town - they stick out - clearly not knowing the common laws that govern the place they’re in. It’s a common mistake we all make at some point: mispronouncing place names, not believing the taxi drivers quote for a journey ‘How much?! It’s only down the road…’, ‘Yes sir, twenty miles down the road’. Or in my case reacting with despair and panic to an unfamiliar situation.

We decided to take a short cut to a local pub through a field. On this field were a few dozen cows minding their own business, chewing the cud, y’know just being a cow. So we walk along thinking the site of humans would have them running for cover, perhaps like Moses, my mere presence would force the sea of black and white bovines to part, worried maybe that I would get out a gun and have them for dinner. That’s what the cows would do right? Wrong.

What I forgot to factor in was that being a cow is fantastically boring. You eat, get milked, eat, sleep, eat, get milked again, eat a little more and occasionally, very occasionally, you look up to admire the scenery.

So suppose that for a moment you are a cow and you’ve been doing this same routine for the last three years. Suddenly and without warning whilst surveying the surrounding trees you were to see two mystery blobs on the edge of your field - by that metal wire that always gives you a nasty shock when you try and reach the fresh pasture beyond it. You’d be pretty curious wouldn’t you? Far from running away you’d probably want a closer look. Now imagine if you will that your excellent idea is being shared by all your cow friends all keen to explore the little bit of mystery that has cropped up in their lives.

As a result the two humans, who originally were striding confidently into the middle of the field assured by the fact that all would be fine, are now starting to panic and (being city folk who have never dealt with this situation before) decide that running and letting out a half comical and half petrified shriek is now the done thing.

Needless to say we made it through in one piece - just. When we got to the fence, I had to throw my girlfriend over - injuring her leg in the process and I ended up crashing into a thorn bush.

I have never been so relieved to get to a pub and the Cotswold 8oz Rib eye steak that evening tasted even sweeter!

See you tonight from 7pm.

M x

Posted by Matt Wilkinson on June 03, 2008 at 17:46PM

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